I Have A Drinking Problem

Friday night I went out with a friend  to an 80s club. I took a bottle of Brandy with me and shared it with her. We drank the bottle in the car. I had about 3-4 shots of brandy before joining her. We went inside the club, I had a beer and she had a shot of tequila.. Then later we both shared a shot of tequila. Little did I know that she was going to be so wasted. She was so wasted that on our way to the car she collapsed backwards on the ground. I believe she hurt her head real hard. We went in the car and she was crying like a baby. I sort of laughed because it was sooo funny. But today I write about it and I feel so bad.  She is very pretty but extremely stupid. According to her she is schizophrenic and bipolar. Sometimes I wish we didn't know each other. I am well off. I have a job, career, car, family and have my own place. The only bad thing about my situation is that I have a drinking problem. I drink everyday. I need it ! As I am writing I have been drinking Brandy since I woke up! Drinking makes me feel good. Sometimes I try not to drink for a whole 2 days and then bang I start drinking again. Its a secret. No one has a clue that I am an alcoholic.

Time Is Ticking

So at what age do you stop wearing mini skirts, revealing tops and sexy clothes?? Ughh this is stressing me out! I am about to purchase this cute cut out mini dress but I worry that I will only wear it for 1 more year. I am 32 dam it and I will be 34 in two years. Should I buy it?? Is 34 years old too old for revealing clothes?
. By the way I got the 1/2 of an injection of Radiesse at this cheap place for $450. I have to go back and get the other half for free. This time the injection was pretty painful but it was so worth it. I hardly see my laugh line wrinkle. So I look great! For now. I might have to go back and get botox around my eyes. I have crows feet.

Fighting To Stay Young

So I got radiesse shots on my laugh lines and in the corner of my lips done 3 months ago. I sold my Chanel purse for it to get this done. I was happy in the beginning when I got the shots but when the swelling went away I still had my laugh lines. I went 2 weeks later and got half of the syringe of raddiese for $500 on the area that needed the most help which was my left side. I was fine until today 3 weeks later that I noticed that the laugh lines on my right side became visible as it was before! Ughh! Why do I still have them!! I decided to go  next weekend to get the 1/2 of syringe of radiesse on the side that I see the wrinkle! Ughh! Another $500. I wonder if the doctor is doing his job right! Fighting age is so expensive!
I hate looking old! I will fight it as long as I can afford it. : (

I Feel Like Everyone In The World Hates Me!!

It seems like everyone in the worlds dislikes me. For some reason my cousin removed me from facebook and a lot of my coworkers really show they dislike me. Like celebrating everyones bday except for mine, introducing new employees to everyone except me, inviting everyone even the cleaning lady to the boss party except for me, and telling me I look like an ugly old celebrity really makes me feel bad.
I don't know what it is. Perhaps people think I am weird. I hate the word WEIRD!! I really do. Sometimes I wonder if it is my ugly face, the way I dress or the fact that I am too quiet. My face is really ugly or okay sometimes. There was a time in my life when I felt  pretty. It must of been for a month. A guy once told me I reminded him of a rat. It sucks to be ugly. And once I bought a pair of sunglasses and my coworker said I didn't have a model face to wear them. Urrgh! I really wish I was pretty! Sometimes I wonder if I do weird things I am not aware of. Wow! That would be awful! Sometimes I hate everyone and I wish someone shot them for me!

I Was Seeing Things

 I said earlier that I was hallucinating and that  I was having trouble sleeping when I was 9 or 10 years old. I don't know why I saw these things why this  was happening. It could have been my lack of sleep or all the sadness and fear I was facing everyday.
Not sure what situations happened first but for what all I know these things actually happened.

- Sighting of a Flying Saucer--One night I remember sleeping in my moms bedroom because my dad was not coming home from work and most likely he was out drinking. I was preparing my pillow and blanket when all of a sudden I heard a noise and I decided to peak out the window and remember seeing a round object with lights and it was stopped on the empty lot of my house. This was obviously a flying saucer. I closed the curtains and begged my mom to look but she ignored me and told me to go to sleep. I laid back down and covered myself with the blanket. A few minutes later I decided to peak out the window  and the flying saucer was gone.

- I Was Seeing Shapes Moving and Dancing To A Beat---This must of been the weirdest thing I have ever experienced. I don't know if it had to do with the aliens. I remember waking up in the morning and I remember  looking straight at the closet that was left open . There were triangles, circles and squares that were moving and jumping to a beat. I tried standing up and the beat kept getting faster and faster. The shapes kept getting bigger and bigger. I wanted to run  but the beat and the size of the shapes were not letting me do it. So I'd lay there and watch.

-I Saw A Gremlin Creature--This happened in the day time on a summer day. I remember I was watching  tv and I decided to go to the kitchen where my mother was. I remember turning to my right where I could see the side of the bathroom. And there it was a gremlin peaking out the bathroom door. He looked at me and he hid back again. This time I didn't tell my mother because I knew she wouldn't believe me. It was short, stocky and greasy.

Freddy Kruegar??   I hate how this sounds but yes I saw  the body and the face of Freddy Kruegar. At this point I was having nightmares and waking up in certain places of the house where my dreams would end. Once I was dreaming I walked to the living room and the devil was making out with a woman. When I woke up I was there where it had just happened.
My mother was finally realizing that there was something wrong with me.
So the night I saw Freddy Kruegar I was in bed with my mom and dad. I happened to feel that someone was straight across from me. I looked up and Freddy was sitting in the living room sofa. He looked at me and pulled his skinny tung at me. I screamed and my dad got up to see what was there. The head and shoulders shampoo fell to the ground and my dad slipped. The shampoo got all over his hands and clothes. When he touched his face the shampoo was burning his eyes. Yes the scene was dramatic. When he managed to turn on the lights he showed me that it was just a bunch of pillows stacked together.

I Said Such Awful Things

In my heart I was never a racist or a hater of any kind but my mom taught me to dislike certain people because of the way they were.
When I was 12 years old I made an awful racist speech in front of my entire 6th grade class. My teacher by the way was African American.

I said this;
-Black people are lazy and all they do is live off welfare.
-Black people are stupid
-Black people smell like poop

It hurts my heart to remember this and to realize I actually said these words. I didn't know what I was saying. I love black people and all race.
I wish I didn't call the nice little boy who wanted to play with me a niger. Ohhh! how I wish I could see him and apologize. I remember telling him, "You are still a niger".

I am sorry to all the black people out there.I was stupid and naive. My mother taught me these things. Now I am a grown women and I know that those things are wrong. My best friend in 2nd grade was black and liked a boy in thh 5th grade who was also black. I feel for black people. I can imagine all that they go through. This is something in my life I find it hard to believe it happened. I am surprise the black kids at school didn't beat me up. They should have!

I Hated Them

 From what I remember my dad  must of overdosed at least 3 times on coke. I remember my mom putting a spoon in his mouth trying to prevent his tung from swallowing? . At this point I knew it was drugs.

My dad would leave the house and come back drunk around 3 am..
My mom would tell us to pack all of our clothes in grocery bags because we were leaving.
My dad of course would come in just in time and would  try to convince my mom to stay. He would sit in front of the door, the only door we had and wouldn't let us out. My sister would throw eggs at him so he would move. It was the same kind of night every weekend. I couldn't understand why my mother wouldn't  leave him.

My mom wasn't aloud to go anywhere outside of the house. If she was caught a few feet out of the house my dad would beat her.
She was miserable I know. And that is why she would beat me.

When I got older I told her I hated her. I would be prepared for that. I would stack my body with layers of clothes so that the belt wouldn't hurt me. My dream was to grow up and get away from them. And as soon as I turned 18 yup I left them!